


Our Time

by kjadie, sakasamasa



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Bisexuality, Brotherly Love, Drunkenness, Explicit Language, please just let them be bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-10-29 20:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjadie/pseuds/kjadie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakasamasa/pseuds/sakasamasa
Summary: Somnus and Ardyn are insufferable, rowdy teenagers that like to get drunk and play chess.





	1. Bet

Rolling hills and fields dress below the soft autumn sky. The aroma of sweet grapes and other ripe fruit fly on the breeze. Citrus orchards and vineyards tile the countryside like a colorful mosaic. Somnus follows Ardyn as they carefully sneak past villas to avoid the gaze of busy farmers, and dash through the shade of trees to take shelter from the blazing afternoon sun.

Suddenly, Somnus digs his feet in the dry dirt to stop running.

“Breakfast. One week.” He points to the top of a tree.

Ardyn tiptoes backwards, intentionally bumping into his brother who answers him with a shove.

“You’ll make me breakfast? To the top? Bet,” Ardyn says, smirking at the thought of getting free food.

They shake hands to seal the bet, then swipe their hands back and forth once, fist bump, and wiggle their fingers back.

The orange tree looms over them, about the same height as a four-floor building, the lowest branch halfway down it. Ardyn pats the bark to test its sturdiness, and then fastens his fingers to it and climbs. Even if his feet slip, he recovers with ease. He’s climbed trees so many times before.

Meanwhile, Somnus waits patiently with a smug smile and a hand on his hip, expecting Ardyn to fall at any moment. His face irritates Ardyn, so he kicks off his sandals and chucks them down at Somnus, who rolls his eyes at the gesture.

Ardyn scales the bark quickly and latches onto the nearest solid branch. He dangles by his arms, then pulls himself up. He slips through each fork in the tree branches to reach the top and celebrates with a fist pump.

“Ey!” Ardyn shouts in a thick cockney accent, “What’s on da menu, boss?”

Each of his words slur together and run over each other gracelessly. Somnus struggles to place a single word that Ardyn said but recognized a familiar syllable or two.

“Uh, marmalade,” Somnus shouts.

“Da fawk is marmalade?” Ardyn continues in his accent.

“Get down and for the love of the gods, speak a language that I can understand,” Somnus yells and enunciates in annoyance.

Ardyn whistles like a bird atop his perch then carefully hops to a lower branch.

“I said, what is marmalade?”

“You might like it. Yo, your knees are messed up bro. Suck too much dick last night?”  
“Yeah, yours!” Ardyn dabs. “GOTTEM!”  
“You’re my brother, you _freak_ ,” Somnus sighs.

“I’m gonna fuckin choke on your cock bro,” Ardyn says with enthusiasm and a wild gleam in his eyes.

Somnus laughs involuntarily then falls back against the tree to lean on it. He lets out a deep, sad sigh, and desperately tries to forget what he heard. Helpless, he closes his eyes and contemplates his existence. Ardyn laughs at his brother’s melodrama and continues:

“Hey, you’re the one thinking about me sucking dick. You get a little chub to that, don’t you? You wait until I go to sleep, strip down, laying there, maybe get some nice candles to set the mood. Just frothing at the mouth, jerkin’ it, thinking: ‘Aww yeah, Ardyn with a dick in his mouth.’ I mean hey, to each their own. If that’s how you feel about me, I’ll try anything once, just say the word.”

When he finishes, Ardyn laughs at his own rambling and twirls his dagger between his fingers, then plucks an orange from the tree. Just to style on Somnus, he tosses it and casually slices it midair. It plops on Somnus’ head and splits in half.

Very accustomed to heavily filtering Ardyn’s verbal abuse, Somnus covers his ears as soon as he hears a voice. When the revolting monologue ends, he picks Ardyn’s sandals off the ground, ties their straps together, then flings them somewhere into the tree. They snag onto a small branch and Somnus smiles, satisfied with how high he threw them.

“Whoops, my bad,” he says in a sarcastically oblivious voice, “I could’ve sworn I heard something just now.” Somnus turns to walk away, leaving Ardyn to play fetch.

Ardyn chuckles at Somnus’ reaction. Fortunately, his sandals landed above him. He  grabs a few oranges and juggles them in his hands. One at a time, he throws them at the branch that his sandals dangle from. The thin branch breaks off the tree and Ardyn snatches it and quickly puts on his sandals.

He looks down at Somnus with a sinister smile and hops from the tree. Then he falls onto his unfortunate little brother, who promptly flops on the ground underneath him. Ardyn stands on his back with the energy of an actor performing on opening night. With both hands, Ardyn points to him and sings to the melody of “ _You Can’t Stop the Beat,”_ from Hairspray:

“ _You can’t stop an avalanche as it races down the hill〜”_

“Oh no,” Somnus whispers and closes his eyes, desperately wanting to weep in preparation for the mental anguish he is about to experience.

“ _You can try to stop the seasons, girl, but you know you never will〜”_

“Please,” he silently begs. His lungs feel a breath of relief when Ardyn hopped off his back.

A moment of silence shortly follows and Somnus, very much suspicious, slowly opens his eyes. Ardyn takes it as his cue to continue, this time bouncing on his toes:

“ _And you can try to stop my dancing feet but I just cannot stand still〜_ ”

Ardyn pulls Somnus from the ground to twirl around him and sings the chorus with zeal, swaying from side to side and strutting on the grass as if it is his stage. Arms heavy and eyes vacant from dissociating, Somnus steps back. But before he turns to walk away, in a weak attempt to flee, Ardyn grabs ahold of his wrist, holds it above them, and spins around. Defeated, Somnus accepts his painful reality. He vows to never give Ardyn the satisfaction of hearing him sing but bounces his knees a little while Ardyn sings with glee:

“ _Ever since this whole world began, a woman found out if she shook it, she could shake up a man. And so I’m gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today〜_ ”

Now, Ardyn does shake and shimmy in a way that puts the word “extra” to shame.

Exasperated and overwhelmed, Somnus copes by picking up the sliced orange off the ground then shoves it into his mouth. Peel and everything, biting into it, chewing. He says a silent prayer of thanks to the gods when Ardyn stops performing musical theatre to laugh.

“You are a hazard to society,” he says at last.

“Enjoy life. Loosen up bro,” Ardyn winks and bolts, giggling at his own joke.

“You bastard!” Somnus chases after him and easily catches up. He pounces on Ardyn, tackling him to the ground, then pins him down to trap him. With the orange still in his hand, he holds it over Ardyn’s hair and wrings out both halves like a wet towel. Its juice and seeds soak his hair and Ardyn groans in disgust. He could wipe it off but then his hands would be sticky too. An integral part of his vanity had been stripped away.

He bucks his assailant off, then leans on one knee to stand but fumbles and nearly loses his balance. The stiffness in his bad leg is incapacitating, and he closes his eyes and winces as if he is in pain.

“No, we are not doing this. I’m not falling for this,” Somnus says assertively, calling out Ardyn on his bluff. But, Ardyn looks back at him with sad eyes. He turns away from his older brother’s awfully attempted guilt trip. After a moment, he glances back at Ardyn, who’s still stuck on the ground, and sighs. He gently places his hand on Ardyn’s shoulder and holds out a hand to help him up.

“Gotcha, biatch!”

Ardyn pops up with a roundhouse kick from his good leg. He intentionally misses Somnus, but Somnus fully expected something like this to happen. He quickly reacts and catches Ardyn’s leg while it’s in the air and holds it in place. A little surprised, Ardyn dramatically flaps and flails his arms around, struggling to stand on one foot.

Somnus rolls his eyes. He releases his grasp and helps his brother regain his balance before he could actually fall. Very thankful that both his feet are on the ground, Ardyn sighs and smiles, and playfully bumps into Somnus. They lean against each other, shoulder to shoulder, and giggle together.

“You can’t do that to me,” Somnus says, referring to one of the many guilt trips that Ardyn has pulled on him.

  
“Fuckin’ blow me dude,” Ardyn says like he’s smoked 25 kg of weed.

“Duuude,” Somnus says in a deeper, more stoner voice. He squints his eyes and shakas with both hands, fully knowing that Ardyn is incapable of having any coherent conversation with him. He gets a snort out of Ardyn and they get the giggles again.


	2. Let's Drink!

“HEY! WHAT-R YINZ DOIN’ DAHN AIR?” (which roughly translates to: “Hey! What are you guys doing down there?”)

“Oh shit,” Ardyn says under his breath and sprints away from the enraged farmer. He glances back and sees Somnus crawling on the ground, methodically inspecting oranges and placing the good ones into his satchel.

“Can I help you motherfucker?”

“You’re gonna ride my ass tomorrow for not having any,” Somnus exhales while he casually catches up to Ardyn.

“I’m gonna ride your ass anyway,” Ardyn says, only to get the last word in, but it’s pointless because Somnus filters him out and completely ignores his quip. Out of intuition, he takes Ardyn by the left hand and drags him along so that he doesn’t trip on their way out of the orchard.

Their fruit thievery gained them an audience of angry farmers and fieldhands, so they skirt the main road that leads back into the city. They dash through the seemingly endless rows of trees and rustle through hillsides full of wheat. Ardyn slows down to brush his hands over the wheat and feel it in his fingers but the sounds of robbed people pull him from his calm and into a sprint again.

They reach the city walls and slip through the bustling people and goats and pigs that come into and out of the marketplace. Bright red and blue canopies cover traders who sell trinkets on the wide streets and flowers and ivy hang from columns next to statues and small gardens. The agora rings from haggling crowds and courtesans alike.

The disorienting amount of color is easy to hide in, and Ardyn yanks Somnus behind a tent. He catches his breath, then peeps out and looks back and forth then gives Somnus a thumbs up sign for safety. There aren’t any farmers or workers shouting and chasing after them and Somnus sighs, relieved. Ardyn eyes a nearby alleyway, then an unsuspecting vendor, and smirks.

“Shit, they’re back.”

“I don’t see—” Ardyn shoves an expensive bottle of wine at his chest “HEY!”

“Later, bitch!”

Ardyn bolts to the alleyway, leaving Somnus to fend for himself against the rightfully outraged vendor. He weaves through narrow streets, careful not to trip on uneven stairs that should be repaired, towards their small house on the outskirts of the agora.

When he gets home, Ardyn takes off his sandals and leans on the wall inside of the doorway and waits inside for Somnus to walk through. As soon as he does, Ardyn ambushes him with a side hug.

“Hey you sexy little slut,” Ardyn says flirtatiously through a sideways smirk. Somnus pushes him off.

“Sup bitch?” Somnus says, mocking his brother’s last words before he was abandoned moments before.

Ardyn dismisses the passive aggression with a wave of his hand. There are many, many richly embroidered silk pillows on the ground. He grabs a few and tosses them one at a time, with a “ _Fwah_ ,” onto their couch, then plops down. He shifts around until he’s comfortable, and ends up sitting down with his right leg at a 50-degree angle and his other leg outstretched. The mark of dominance by a true bisexual icon: the inability to sit correctly.

“You got my juice?” Ardyn says, referring to the wine.

“No, I don’t. The second you peaced outta there, I immediately gave it back and kindly explained the situation to the guy you tried, and failed, to screw over. He was really nice y’know? And sympathised with me for having a kleptomanic brother because unlike you, I’m an upstanding member of society and can hold a conversation with a human being without flirting with them and trying to seduce them,” Somnus says without missing a beat.

He sets his satchel on the ground and glances up at Ardyn, who cocks his head and is looking at him with a straight face. They have a stare-off until Ardyn breaks first and chuckles. Somnus snorts to hold in his laugh and pulls out the wine that he was forcefully persuaded to steal. It’s half-empty from drinking it on the way home.

“Bro Som!” 

Somnus pulls out two more bottles of wine and sets them on their low table.

“Bro Som!! You the man,” Ardyn cheers. He stretches to reach for a bottle but Somnus shuts down that idea with a hard slap on his wrist.

“Do I share these with you?”

“Do I share this with you?” Ardyn repeats in Somnus’ tone. He holds a little pouch in his hand, opens it, and pulls some cannabis incense out of it.

“You stole that from the fucking temple.”

“Speaking of fucking, I had se– of course I stole it from the temple.”

Ardyn sits up and lights the incense off of his favourite candle on the low table. His beloved candle is almost always lit and the elegant candle-holder it rests on shines from its glow. He inhales his incense and gives Somnus a wide smile full of no regret.

“You’re gonna get smited, smote? Smited? Smote? Anyway, the gods are gonna rail you for pinching their offering,” Somnus says. It’s not the first time he’s chided Ardyn for his indifference to divine consequence.

“Dude, Ifrit himself would turn up to blaze this,” Ardyn says and holds it between his index and middle fingers and sticks out his tongue at Somnus.

“Share?” Somnus points to his wine.

“Share.”

With his foot, Somnus slides the half-empty bottle to Ardyn from across the table. Repulsed, Ardyn yelps and jerks his feet away from the wine that Somnus already drank from.

“Get that outta here. I don’t want your cooties.”

“Sucks to suck,” Somnus makes a peace sign and sticks his tongue through it. He takes a new bottle of wine, aggressively stabs it with his dagger and pops the cork. Much to Ardyn’s annoyance, he drinks straight from the bottle and sharply gulps it down.

Physically cringing, Ardyn grabs his cane and jumps to his feet to avoid the atrocity that is Somnus’ etiquette. He turns to his beloved incense burner for comfort and gently sets the incense he’s holding in it. The burner rests on a tall shelf that’s usually pristine but there’s a thin pile of ash covering it, with traces of fingerprints from someone lazily sweeping it onto the floor.

“Incense?”

“Hm?”

“Incense. Where’s my incense?” Ardyn snaps, his tone already set on accusing Somnus.

“Up yours,” Somnus covers his mouth to hide his smile.

“Don’t use my shit,” Ardyn groans, “It’s the only thing that pisses me off. The one time I don’t stash my incense and it disappears,” He whines and blows on his weed to stir the glowing embers, and deeply inhales it to relax. “Man, I just bought it, too.”

“With _my_ money,” Somnus takes a swig of wine, “Yo, you’re tilted.”

"Get me more tomorrow,” Ardyn threatens softly.

“Now, am I doing this before or after you pay me back?”

As soon as Somnus speaks, Ardyn pours his wine into a clean cup to drown out the noise, and drinks. It’s a hot day and the wine is refreshing. He props his cane against the couch and aimlessly falls onto the infinitely many pillows.

“How’d you even go through it all? Did you eat it? How’d it taste?” He drinks more and turns to Somnus, “What were you even doing last night?”

“What were _you_ doing last night?” Somnus asks. It gets a chuckle out of Ardyn.

“I’m not answering that question,” Ardyn snaps his fingers and gives Somnus finger guns, smirking, “Speaking of which, _you_ missed out on a good time last night. This one chick broke her arm, dude.”

"You’re into that?”

"No, but I know you are,” Ardyn chucks a pillow at Somnus. “I heard she was with nine girls, a ‘ladies only’ kinda thing, in the room next to ours. Well, I say ours but that’s not correct because _you_ weren’t with me,” he sasses.

“I won’t watch you fuck four people,” Somnus slams the pillow on Ardyn’s face.

“You don’t know what you’re missing. You might like it. Anyway,” Ardyn laughs at the mental imagery he gave himself and lazily twirls his hand around in a circle to rouse any of his remaining brain cells. “She got knocked off the bed and broke her arm.”

"Yo, that’s savage,” Somnus hits Ardyn with another pillow.

“That’s exactly how I wanna go out. _Drowning_ in pussy.” Ardyn takes a few grapes from the plate on their table, tosses a few into the air, and catches them all in his mouth. He says, chewing, “Man, what a legend.”

Finishing off his expensive bottle of wine with an unflattering gulp, Somnus slams it down, then sides behind Ardyn. He puts Ardyn’s head on his lap and pats the dried orange juice and pulp that’s still clinging to his hair from earlier.

“What are you doing?”

“If you talk like a fuckboy, you’re gonna look like a fuckboy,”  Somnus sneers. He unties Ardyn’s hair and puts it in a messy, disgraceful man-bun. For some reason, Somnus is unnaturally satisfied when he sees Ardyn’s face scrunch up while he messes with his hair. But the feeling doesn’t last long because Ardyn’s still sucking on grape seeds and he spits them out, right at Somnus’ smug little face.

Before he could be physically assaulted, Ardyn crawls away from Somnus and pours and drinks until he finishes off the sad half-bottle of wine that he was left with. Somnus, feeling lazy and thirsty, decides to be merciful and opens the third bottle instead of chasing Ardyn around. Even though it means less wine for him, Somnus kinda wants to get Ardyn drunk, so he pours some for him while Ardyn fiddles with his hair.

“Ugh, it’s all stickyyy,” Ardyn whines.

“That’s what she said!” Somnus shouts enthusiastically, like he’s proud of saying something so cringy.

“You were breathing so heavily out of your mouth earlier, like super heavy. I was gonna let it slide— I wasn’t going to point it out until you did something stupid,” Ardyn claps back and drinks, tastefully sipping on his wine while glaring at Somnus who’s audibly chugging from a bottle.

These definitely weren’t Ardyn’s first drinks of the day and after a few more, he starts to feel tipsy. He snatches his cane and relies on it to sit up, and walks to the kitchen. He unties the intentionally sad man-bun that Somnus gave him, before dumping water over his head to rinse off the dried orange juice.

Meanwhile, Somnus is drinking and waiting for Ardyn to do something stupid. He can tell that Ardyn’s feeling the liquor more than he lets on, by the slightly off-center steps, and by how much he’s relying on his cane to walk.

Ardyn wrings out his hair and shakes out his drenched chiton, then walks back and whips his hair over Somnus. He’s content to get a few licks in before Somnus tries, unsuccessfully, to grab it.

“That was unnecessary,” Somnus says.

Ardyn moans loudly and sensually for absolutely no reason. Somnus refuses to give him the pleasure of a reaction and just, slowly blinks. But even no reaction is a reaction to Ardyn, so he laughs and strips off his wet clothes. Somnus immediately retreats to the twenty pillows surrounding him and shouts with a muffled voice,

“Excuse me, clothing please!”

“Alright, alright,” Ardyn waves his hand to dismiss his brother’s melodrama. He’s still holding his soaking wet, cold clothes, but he doesn’t bother to dry them out. Instead, he scrunches them into a ball and casually tosses them at Somnus, who shields himself with a pillow.

He walks to their bedroom but can’t make it through the doorway without tripping over mountains of clothes on the floor. Sighing and rolling his eyes at the sight of the ocean that Somnus’ clothes makeup, Ardyn picks up and puts on one of the nearest to him.

“Not mine!” Somnus whines from the other room.

“Then don’t leave your clothes all over the fucking floor,” Ardyn shouts back and says under his breath, “These smell like sweaty balls. How?! You wore this yesterday. And, you used _all_ my incense. And _somehow_ they still smell.”  

With his cane, Ardyn hesitantly hooks another chiton off the floor. He carefully inspects it and smells it before throwing it over him and clasping it on. He grabs some bottles of wine on his way to the living room but he spends a lot of time looking at the floor to make sure he doesn’t trip over anything Somnus left laying around.

"Do you know how hard you are to live with? You _constantly_ use all my shit and don’t replace it, and you leave the room a mess. What else do I have to put up with?” He asks himself, and continues to ramble, “Your snoring. You wake me up _so_ many times in the middle of the night. And I can never even get away from it. If I’m out, I can hear your snoring from across the fucking agora.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, and _what_ are you out doing? Or should I say, _who_ ?” Somnus slaps back. “You think _I’m_ hard to live with? _Me_ ? At least I don’t come home at any hour of the night singing musical _fucking_ theatre. You think _snoring_ is bad? Try waking up to musical theatre. I’d get on my knees and blow Bahamut _any_ day of the week in _praise_ if I woke up to snoring instead of your plastered ass singing,” Somnus stops to take a breath, then continues his rant, “How many parties do you go to a night? Like two or three minimum? And last week you went to that one with a massive fifty-person orgy in a _fucking_ villa.”

“Could’ve been fifty-one,” Ardyn smirks and sips on some wine.

“Yo no. I peaced outta there before _any_ of that escalated. And you can always tell when, because the rooms get unnaturally hot. So, I was chillin’ at home and waited for you for a while. Until I realised you were probably shitface washed in some backalley but before I sat up,” Somnus laughs, “You just walk _into_ the door and fall flat on your fucking face. You smelled _sooo_ weird. Gods, I don’t know what to compare that smell to. It must’ve been some kind of party.”

“The only kind I know.” Ardyn closes his eyes to reminisce, and he has a way-too-pleased smile on his face. He chuckles and drinks, “Yeah that was like, eight showers. But, I said it once, I’ll say it again. You don’t know what you’re missing bro. You might like it.”

“With the two molecules in your brain, do you really only think about sex?”

“There’s a closeness you can only feel with someone in those moments. Who wouldn’t crave that?” Ardyn says thoughtfully, with a dreamy look in his eyes and sweet smile on his face.

“He’s getting real right now, deep, and strangely...romantic? Is that the right word? He’s definitely fucking with me, or, is he actually” capable of feeling—” Somnus ponders to himself but is interrupted.

“Just kidding,” Ardyn laughs, “May as well fuck off while we’re alive. For all we know, the entire city’ll get leveled tomorrow.”

They both drink to that.

Of course, Ardyn is referring to the threat of the Scourge, looming overhead like the darkened storm clouds it brings. Anyone inside the city with the disease ‘conveniently disappears,’ and may the gods help those poor souls trapped outside the city gates. It’s a part of life. They both know this and think nothing of it. But before their slow minds linger on the subject for too long, a loud crash interrupts them.

They turn their heads toward the sound that came from the tree outside their house and exchange a mutual look of confusion. To investigate, Somnus gets up and crawls halfway through the window on his belly. He severely misjudges its size and almost falls out.

“I think a fuckin' squirrel just fell…?”

“That was not a squirrel. It sounded like, uh,” Ardyn lifts half of their center table slightly off the ground and smashes it down. “No, not that but like, something big.”

“Nope, there’s a broken vase. You probably didn’t hear this since I was closer to the window, but before that,” Somnus laughs, replaying the thud in his head, “that sound, I heard some leaves rustle. It was definitely a squirrel.”

“A squirrel? How does a squirrel even fall out of a tree anyway?”

“I dunno bro,” Somnus grunts while he tries to crawl back through the window, “but it’s as graceful as you are.” Being a more drunk than he lets on, Somnus bumps his head and stumbles a little, and it gets a laugh out of Ardyn.

“What are you talking about? I can climb a tree,” Ardyn scoffs. He pats the spot next to him on the couch, prompting Somnus to sit next to him.

Of course, Somnus has to be a _bro_ , so he hops over the couch. But somehow, he fails miserably and ends up falling on the floor.

Ardyn drinks more wine to cover his laugh. He tops off his glass, which finishes off another bottle. There are a some other empty bottles scattered around, and Ardyn just now notices that they’ve gone through four or five or six in total.

“Your hair’s all wet,” Somnus grumbles, a bit humiliated and clearly annoyed. He squints and twirls the ends of Ardyn’s hair in his fingers. He thinks of a hairstyle that would emasculate Ardyn the most. Not that it would work, though. He pats Ardyn’s right shoulder like a drumroll, until he decides, “I’ll braid your hair.”

He parts the hair and decides to go full-out with a french braid on one side. It’s fitting, he thinks, because Ardyn’s vocation is to always be as dramatic as possible.

Since Ardyn’s hair is wet, messing with it is a lot easier than it usually is. Somnus parts his hair and crosses each pieces over the other with ease, mostly from muscle memory. His reaction time is delayed but for the most part, the braid’s even. When Somnus finishes, he eyes it carefully and ties it but his fingers get caught from moving slower than his mind. He blinks his eyes a few times to try and focus, then ties it again, this time successfully. He smiles with pride, clearly content with his handiwork.

Ardyn’s hair is usually dark but when it shines in the light, it looks like gleaming honey. Most of the orange juice is washed out but Somnus can still smell it. At this point in the evening, he’s buzzed and easily mistakes the faint scent for spices. He licks Ardyn’s braid to see if it really tastes like the honey and spices that it looks and smells like.

His hair rests against his cheekbones and compliments them nicely and Somnus can’t help but poke em.

“You’re so cute when you’re drunk,” Ardyn gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m not cute,” Somnus says in a forced, serious tone. He made a (pointless) attempt to emasculate Ardyn and it backfired. Of course it backfired. It’s fucking Ardyn.

“You’re so cute when you try not to be cute,” Ardyn purrs. He’s way too pleased with his pretty hair and he beams at his little brother’s pout. A smile rests on his face and it’s so smug that it pisses Somnus off.

“Don’t uwu me,” Somnus scolds.

“How bout I do _anyway_ 〜 No.” Ardyn laughs at his incoming joke, “I should say, ‘how bout I duwu _anyway〜”_

Somnus really wants to slap him. He opens his mouth to bitch but Ardyn stops him.

“No, shhh,” he holds a finger over Somnus’ lips to keep him quiet. He speaks, slow and slurred, “I didn’t realize it at first, but you made ‘uwu’ into a _verb_. This is a breakthrough in modern linguistics theory and we must host a symposium. Turning ‘uwu’ into a verb? And conjugating it? Just now, we made a scientific discovery. The contributions we make to the field of study will be our legacy for millenia.”

“Bro real talk, what the fuck are you on? I don’t know what you said homie.”

“Neither do I bro,” Ardyn says between a burst of giggles. He pours more wine, except he momentarily forgets that all their bottles are empty. And, there are quite a few. The jolly smile on his face quickly turns into sad, hollow frown, so he passes an empty bottle to Somnus to make him deal with their plight.

“You wanna get a drink?” Somnus asks and licks around the rim of the wine bottle a few times.

“Crack open a cold one with the boys?”

“Yeah, sure.” Somnus stands first, then helps Ardyn up out of habit. “Let’s make like some nasty teenagers and get the clap.”

“Aight,” Ardyn puts heavy emphasis on the “t” for no reason, and he grabs his cane. They walk together but he and Somnus have some trouble with keeping their balance. “Leggo.”

By now, sun is setting but the evening air is still hot. The bar is a short walk away. It’s a building but most people are in the open street, laughing and debating. Outside the bar and restaurants, a small trio of musicians play to the rhythm of some rowdy fist fights. A few couples walk hand in hand. Some have clothing on, some don’t. It’s a common sight in the agora.

Under a row of colorful canopies, there’s a line of tables with stacks of delicious street food and wine. Ardyn leans against the table and casually swipes an unopened bottle. He has a charming look, smiling and laughing, and he blends with the crowd as if he’s been there all evening. Pouring a glass for himself first, he fills Somnus’ glass with significantly less than his own, then sits down.

“Nooo,” Somnus whines. He shakes his head and reaches for the bottle, but Ardyn gives him a little slap on the wrist.

“I’m taller and _bigger_ than you, so, I get more. Besides,” Ardyn sasses and snaps his wrist, “I can outdrink you with one hand.”

“No you can’t, you just suck dick,” Somnus says in a very American accent, like Napoleon Dynamite.

“No, you suck dick,” Ardyn says endearingly.

“No, you suck dick.”

They snort together.

“Nah bruh, I eat pussy _and_ I suck dick—” Ardyn states with pride.

“—Swear to god I won’t spit,” Somnus adds.

“Bro, dare I say, that’s a _bar_.”

“BARS,” they say in unison.

“Here, uh,” Ardyn taps on his glass, thinking. He raps with a rhythm, “ _I’m a dom top, I could never be ya bitch_.”

“ _A_ _nd if I suck dick, I swear to god I won’t spit._ ”

“ _Matter of fact, I eat pussy and I suck dick_ —”

“—Bust quick,” Somnus blurts, and Ardyn immediately clutches his heart, appalled.

“Woah woah woah, that,” he pushes Somnus’ chest with more force than he intended to, “Too far bro, too far. _I do not._ ”

Somnus shoves Ardyn back with an exaggerated amount of force just to flex. Ardyn pushes him again, and they both jump up. Somnus gets into a loose fighting stance, clenching his fists and bouncing his knees slightly.

“The fuck? You wanna go, man?”

“You out here, tryna kill my vibe. Little brother, it’s time to spit some rhymes.”

“Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Ey ya funky little bard! Give me a beat!”

 

_“Of the two of us, I got the better genes_

_for sure so don’t be coming at me._

_Beneath the sheets, I’m every woman’s fantasy._

_And out in the streets, I’m the city’s fuckin’ wet dream._

_What are you thoooo? Just a dead meme.”_

 

“If it would please the court,” Somnus bows and points at Ardyn. “Let’s do this.”

 

“ _No hard situation, babe, but you ain’t being honest._

_Yeah, you’re taller than me but I’ve got the tighter ass regardless._

_I’m bustin’ on your bitches while you’re off wining and dining._

Oh and, speaking of grinding _, I forgot you can’t twerk._

_You think you’re hot shit? At least both my fuckin’ legs work.”_

 

A crowd gathers around them and people mouth an “ _oo_ ” in sympathy of the burn. Ardyn bites his lip to hide a laugh. It takes an unbearable amount of self-control for him not to slap the shit out of Somnus.

“I’m about to style on yo ass, here we go.”

 

_“Talk shit about my leg, it doesn’t even phase me._

_Tell me how it happened bruh, my memory is hazy._

_Back down while you can or I’ll raw your ass clean._

_I slay your bitches’ pussy and leave behind a murder scene._

_Yeah, I can’t twerk, so what? I’ve got no objections._

_Why don’t you bend over and admit you’re only my sloppy seconds?"_

 

“Drop that beat for me.”

 

“ _I ain’t draggin’ I’m just lit._

_So go cool off and take a fuckin’ hit._

_Now, I spit this out and I don’t mean to be rude,_

_but when I say ‘bitches’ I mean both chicks and dudes._

_I eat ass for breakfast, it’s the best meal of the day._

_But with all your talk of pussy tho, I betchu you only go one way.”_

 

“Your turn,” Somnus politely teases and raises a glass before drinking.

“Ey come on man,” Ardyn puts an arm over their beatboxer’s shoulder and swaggers back, “I’m about to _end_ this man’s whole career. Let me kill this motherfucker off.”

 

“ _You talk shit, I start killin’._

_Quick shoutout to my fangirls tho, my dick is in the building._

_My minimum’s a foursome,_

_you can hardly please one._

_And sodomy?_

_Bruh join the sub blokes that blow me._

_I stopped keeping’ count, cause my score’s been triple digits for years._

_I fuck ‘em ‘til they call me ‘daddy’ and when I cum I say ‘cheers!’_

_You’re too easy to outplay, it’s harder to walk with my cane._

_Let me say that again,_

_it’s harder to walk with my cane and I’m proud._

_So jerk me off, bitch, and sit the fuck down."_

 

“Yeah, I’m not responding to that.”

The crowd erupts into hollers, and Ardyn rips a cloth from Somnus’ chiton and waves it around like a flag. He spins and twirls around with it, dancing his happy little victory dance, and acting like he accomplished something important.

“DQ’d.” Ardyn slams his fist down on the table for no reason. “Disqualified, which is a chess word, by the way. But man, I didn’t want to go hard. I don’t like fighting when I drink, I just wanna chill on ice. You drink to get fucked up. Not to get _fucked_ up, you know?”

“Well, I feel like I owe you a solid. Since you kinda dragged me into the afterlife. What do you want?”

“Twenty grape leaves. No less,” Ardyn blurts.

“You can’t even eat twenty grape leaves.”

“I can always eat more if I’m not paying. So, sucks to suck because _I want it that way〜”_ Ardyn sings to the tune of the best Backstreet Boys’ song.

 


	3. Wheeeee!

Somnus orders the twenty grape leaves for Ardyn’s victory. It’s a lot of grape leaves and they’re stacked on each other in the shape of a pyramid and garnished with some mint. For himself, he gets hummus with pita, and yogurt topped with honey and figs.

With a stuffed grape leaf, Ardyn scoops out a stack of hummus on top of it, despite Somnus glaring at him. He proceeds to do this with several more grape leaves and eats them so fast it looks like he’s inhaling them.

Somnus _knows_ that if he doesn’t act quickly, Ardyn will eat all his hummus and leave him with nothing. So, he does what any intelligent brother would do in his place.

He casually pours his yogurt in the hummus and mixes it around with his finger. The combo has a really weird consistency and texture, and Ardyn looks nothing short of nauseated. To make things worse, Somnus looks Ardyn straight in the eyes and eats it with a sadistic smile on his face.

Ardyn clutches his stomach and covers his mouth, desperately trying not to puke.

“It’s really good, you should try it,” Somnus mumbles with a stuffed mouth, very pleased with Ardyn’s reaction.

“I just want you to know that you cursed this planet with a fucking blight, and now I need to redeem my eyesight and comfort my weary soul.” Ardyn gets up and wobbles. He could grab onto the table but opts for Somnus’ shoulder instead.

“You good?”

“I’m good.”

Ardyn can’t think of many words right now, so he repeats his brother’s. Seeing the monstrosity that is Somnus’ palate really did a number on him, and he can’t get the image or smell out of his head, no matter how hard he tries. When he leaves, he doesn’t bother to bring his cane, instead opting to clutch onto his stomach with both of his hands for all his dear life.

While he waits, Somnus digs his sandals in the dirt and draws a penis in it. A few young women are across the street, probably gossiping. But one of them easily monopolizes his attention, and he’s done for. He brazenly eyes her up and down, then quickly shuffles his feet to cover up his artwork with dirt.

The dress she’s wearing is the same color as a pomegranate or a fine glass of wine that deserves to be savored. Unfortunately, it’s long and covers her legs, but the only thing keeping it on her is a rose gold clasp on one shoulder and a thin, loosely tied belt. Golden thread runs through her hair, which is tied into a side braid. She’s taller than the rest of her friends and her skin is riddled with scars. She’s _fire_ and she has these dreamy, muscular arms that could easily crush him.

Even though Somnus can’t see her legs, he hopes that they’re just as imposing as the rest of her. He licks his lips and sighs happily at the thought of her sitting on his face.

He slicks back his hair and flashes her a sleazy fuckboy smile before reclining back on the table, casually stretching out his arms and flexing his biceps. The woman glances at him and nudges one of her friends, and their group giggles together. He sits up, still flexing, and he’s about to do something stupid when Ardyn returns, awkwardly waltzing with his chessboard as a substitute partner.

The girls _burst_ out laughing. Somnus closes his eyes and silently says some fervent prayers, begging that he’ll disappear when he opens them. Of course he’d get cockblocked in the most embarrassing way possible. He’ll definitely give him shit for it later. And the worst part is that he feels _twice_ the embarrassment: his own, and the second-hand embarrassment for his brother. He vows to never draw a penis again.

Remaining blissfully unaware of the damage he caused, Ardyn hums and gracelessly swings his chessboard around. It’s made of oak wood decorated with filigree inlays of gold and silver and a storage chest underneath with golden legs. Dark wine stains cover a majority of the board, from all the years of love, and it’s asymmetrically painted in faded layers of red and blue paints.

Still sulking over the woman that got away, Somnus slumps onto the ground and motions for Ardyn to sit across from him. Of course he would want to play chess on the ground.

Visibly disgusted at the very prospect of playing _chess_ on the _ground_ , Ardyn gives him _the_ condescending side eye, sitting at the table with an unnecessarily haughty air.

He carefully, carefully, very carefully, sets the board. The King and Queen are gold inlaid with ruby and sapphires. The Bishops are silver and most of the Rooks are chiseled marble. But most of the pieces are makeshift pieces of olive wood in varying sizes, which are also painted blue and red, with white polka dots.

“Let me regale you with a tale,” he slurs, “There’s a thing that most chess nerds know. A ghost story, or a myth or legend. I don’t even remember, it’s been so long. Anyway.” He continues, trying to speak clearly,

“A soldier is approached by Death and asks, ‘You play chess, don’t you?’ to which Death replies, ‘How do you know?’ The soldier answers, ‘I have seen it on paintings and heard it in the songs.’ Death nods at him and smiles. ‘Yes, in fact I am quite a good chess player.’

Undaunted, the soldier says to Death, ‘But I bet you’re not as good as me.’”

 

Somnus zones out during the monologue because he’s still moping over the girl. He reluctantly sits across from Ardyn, feeling humiliated.

“Cool story bro, but I could not give a single flying, living fuck. Why are you telling me this?”

“Uhh, cause I’m gonna creampie your ass? Obviously, dude.”

“What’s our score, anyway?” Somnus exasperates, intentionally ignoring Ardyn’s taunt. Ardyn’s always like this when he plays. At least, when playing against him.  Somnus wonders what he’s done in his life to be blessed with such a cursed brother.

“420 to 69 bro!!” Ardyn gives him loose, bisexual finger guns, with no regret for how horribly cringey he sounds, and Somnus, regrettably, mirrors his.

“Broooooo.”

“But… I don’t want a dub with a score this legendary. Oh well.”

Ardyn begins his pregame ritual. He flexes his fingers, cracks his knuckles, and wiggles his fingers like a spooky ghost. But his signature, defining tactic of intimidation, is to tie a long piece of his chiton around his forehead in a Naruto headband.

Somnus makes a drumroll on the table, encouraging this catastrophe.

“It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!” they say in unison, and point at each other in a staredown.

But, they can’t remember who normally goes first. Or which side goes first. So, Somnus spins the board a few times, trying to remember the side he always plays as.

“Uhh, which are you?” Somnus taps on the board.

“Black. I’m always Black to give your dumbass a chance. And, coming last is very important. It’s a value,” he giggles, “I hold _very_ close to my heart.”

Somnus wants to yell “Shut up!” at him for being so obnoxious. But he couldn’t, because Ardyn tells the truth.

Woe be to any spectator who has the misfortune of stumbling upon their match.

Somnus moves first. He takes a pawn out and _of_ _course,_ Ardyn mirrors his _exact_ play. He moves another pawn out and Ardyn mirrors him again. This goes on for a while: Ardyn mirroring every other play that Somnus makes, just to irritate him.

Feeling flustered, Somnus initiates some questionable plays of his own. Trying to set the Black Queen up, he moves the White Bishop as a trap. But he either miscalculates or can’t see the board clearly, because he butchers the move and can only take a pawn.

Fully aware of his brother’s drunken state, Ardyn wants to style on him. He intentionally slides the Black King into the path of a pawn, knowing that Somnus will probably miss the play that would end the game. He does. Somnus misses the blatantly obvious opportunity to take the Black King and moves his winning piece — a fucking pawn — away.

“Slurp on my lollipop like I’m the Candyman, cause it’s mate in five.” Making direct eye contact with Somnus, Ardyn licks up the sides of two fingers, then twirls his tongue around his fingertips and sucks on them. After doing this for an inappropriate length of time, he remembers it’s his turn.

“Do I flex on this scrub? I think we flex on this scrub,” he wonders. Laughing, he slides his Black King in front of the pawn that Somnus would have won the game with.

“ _J'a_ _doobie!”_ he shouts

“I don’t know what you said.”

“The legit, uh, no-touch thing, you know? When you change your piece in the middle of a play?”

“Don’t you mean J’ad _uwu_ be _?”_

“No bro, you don’t know what you’re talking about. But, then again, it’s not like you compete in tourneys with me. So, you wouldn’t know,” Ardyn says passive aggressively. He’d probably flip his hair if it wasn’t tied in a braid.

“The fuck you on about? I was in the last major. With you.”

“Were you tho…?”

“You motherfucking cocksucker.” Somnus rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to have this conversation. Bad memories. But he sighs and says, reluctantly, “I played you in Grand Finals.”

“But did you tho…?”

“Uh, yeah. You were busted, shitfaced _and_ high off your tits on drugs.”

“Is that why I can’t remember? Hmm…” Ardyn wanders off in his thoughts, trying to recall days that he clearly wasn’t fully conscious for. “Sounds like something I would do. Those games are so long and _booooring_. And the ones that get turtled? I get pissed just thinking about it.”

“No shit. You played like _such_ a tool. The _second_ I realized that you were fucking with me, I threw that shit so fast.”

“Threw,” Ardyn repeats, smiling.

Somnus glares at him with dead fish eyes.

“That weekend was so horrible. So horrible. You couldn’t sleep for like, three days. For hours you just…bounced this little ball, giggling. Which isn’t so bad. It’s a little weird, but not bad. But by the gods, you did not have the _ability_ to shut the fuck up. I definitely heard you mutter ‘Fluffy caterpillars’ at the wall more than once. And you’d use your books and board as a pillow, eyes half open, but you’d drool and say things like, ‘I’m floating,’ or, ‘I’m sinking.’ Did I mention it was horrible?” Apparently, the hazy memories are so bad, Somnus has to throw back some wine. “Have you ever even competed without being all sorts of fucked up?”

“I don’t remember,” Ardyn snorts.

“I bet you couldn’t win one tourney. Sober.”

“I’d rather be castrated,” Ardyn says, probably not exaggerating. “Why should I even consider being so self-destructive?”

“No wine, no opium, and I will give you the wettest, sloppiest blowjob you’ve _ever_ gotten if you can win GM.

“That’s pretty gay bro.” Ardyn swipes Somnus’ bottle of wine and drinks straight from it. It’s late in the night. He doesn’t care about anything at this point. After swallowing, he finally says, “Tempting.”

He loosely holds out his hand.

“Oh, I’m so safe. You’re done.” Somnus says with unrivaled confidence.

“You are toast.”

They shake on it. To formally seal the bet, they swipe their hands back and forth once, fist bump, and wiggle their fingers in the air. They slowly snap their fingers a few times, but at uneven intervals, and Somnus has a hard time snapping them at all.

Even though it’s his turn, Ardyn waits for Somnus to make a play. He stares at a dim lamplight flickering in the dark. It’s mellow and glowy and his eyes kinda glaze over. Without any visible reason, he laughs very loudly.

Somnus gives him a perplexed look. He accepted long ago that he’d never get used to Ardyn’s nonsense, so he doesn’t feel inclined to ask. But Somnus is resourceful; he always finds a way to cope in one way or another. He licks one of his necklaces and crunches on it. It makes an audible, metallic clanking sound like a fork against teeth.

Ardyn pulls a face that reflects both distress and sadness, but endures the pain.

“I just remembered this funny joke,” he winces, trying to hide his discomfort.

“Is it funny to _you_? Or is it actually funny?” Somnus asks, chewing on his necklace.

“A soldier walks into a bar, puts up his index and middle fingers, and asks for five beers.”

Somnus puts up his fingers to test it out by shoving his hand in front of Ardyn’s face. It takes him longer than it should to understand the joke. When he does, he spits out his necklace and lets out a dry, humorless laugh. The spit smells like hummus and yogurt and some gets onto Ardyn, who looks like he’s going to cry.

“Why are you like this?” Ardyn weeps, tears streaming down his face. He can feel them mix with the slimy spit and cries harder. He considers wiping them off, but with what? Wine is the answer. He glugs it down mercilessly, but there’s only a little left.

“Where did it go?” he asks between sobs and flips the bottle of wine upside down, but no drops fall out. “It left me. It left me, like all the women in my life left me.”

“Women love you.” Somnus speaks in a gentle but slightly envious tone. As he reminds his older brother about his womanizing habits, he opens another bottle of wine to comfort him, and sighs sadly, “ _You’re_ the one that leaves _them_.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ardyn giggles, happily accepting the gift. But even wine can’t compensate for the emotional damage inflicted upon him.

Somnus pats his brother’s shoulder affectionately, trying to soothe his drunken emotional volatility. While he thinks of something obnoxious to do, he taps on the chessboard a few times.

“Skrrt skrrt!” Somnus moves his White Queen, hoping to gain Ardyn’s attention. He does.

“Wheeeeeee!” Ardyn slides his Black Knight across the board, knocking a Queen off. It flies away, way over the table and out into the street. “Yeet yeet motherfucker!”

“Gods, I can’t believe I forgot the Knight!” Somnus slams both his fists on the table and groans so theatrically, it almost sounds like he’s gargling the air. “Wait —”

“Hahaaaaa I yeeted your Queen!〜”

“— that was your Queen.”

Eyes lazily scanning the area, Ardyn leans over to find his missing Queen. He stands up and promptly falls down, but Somnus offers him a hand.

“My legs are tingly and floopy,” he giggles.

“You good bro?”

“I’m good bro,” he gives Somnus an easy thumbs up. “I can just… find it like this.”

While Ardyn crawls aimlessly on the ground, Somnus dreams about the girl he saw before. He props his head up with his hands, trying to support the weight of his thick head, but his hand slips and gravity slams his face onto the board. He drools remorselessly, with a douchey smile on his face.

The sound of Somnus’ face slamming against the board immediately pisses Ardyn off. He’s fallen asleep. Of course.

“WAKE UP YOU NARCOLEPTIC PIECE OF SHIT!!” Ardyn screams in his ear.

“Will you shut the fuck up? I was waiting for you to make your play.”

“It’s your turn bro.”

“It’s yOuR tuRn bRo.”

“No, like, it’s actually your turn.”

“No, LikE, iT’s aCTuaLly yOuR tuRn.”

“Whose turn is it…?”

“I don’t know.”


	4. on the gang!

Before sitting down, Ardyn quickly wipes his face off on Somnus’ chiton and successfully evades the oncoming slap. Even though Ardyn’s best efforts to find the Black Queen were in vain, he begins to put away the rest of his set. He can’t remember whether or not they finished the game, but if Somnus fell asleep, there’s no point in continuing. There’s no point to style on someone if they’re unaware of it, he thinks.

“Ey, peep Thotiana over there,” Somnus reclines back and manspreads toward the girl that stole his heart. And by heart, he means dick. Nudging his even more demeaning, philandering brother, he eagerly awaits the verdict.

“Hm?” Ardyn quickly glances at the woman.

“Highkey, I could tongue fuck her into the stars.” Somnus flicks his devilish tongue rapidly and has to bite on it to cool off. He stares at her for a while and she glances back at him, but he turns his head to look away. He’s still embarrassed from earlier and the thought of facing her makes him ill.

Ardyn gives him a look, and remarks offhandedly, “Yeah, she’s cute I guess,” and then returns to the impossibly difficult task of putting away his set. It’s hard to say if he’s being dismissive to piss Somnus off, or if he actually thinks she’s _only_ cute. Only the gods could know what kinds of women he’s had.

“Cute?! Are you fucking _kidding_ me?” Somnus snaps. He sighs in adoration, probably thinking about the alluring woman sitting on his face. “She’s a goddess.”

She stands in a domineering posture with a hand on her hip and her eyes darting around as if she’s waiting for someone. A young man runs up to her and her entire body beams.

The chiton he’s wearing is a rich, royal purple, the same color as a sweet, cold plum. Gold embroidery lines the edges, and it’s loosely slung over one shoulder so that his bare chest is visible. And thank the _gods_ for that. His toned, bulging abs are complemented by his sunkissed skin. There’s a golden wreath of olive leaves in his dark, curly hair that rests against his sharp jawline. He is _fuego_ , and Ardyn can only imagine how that mouth moves.

Being as respectful as he possibly can be in the face of such beauty, Ardyn stares at his ass.

“Holy fuck. My bisexuality just took a hard gay turn.That man can ride my dick for days.” Ardyn groans and rolls his head back to look at the night sky. He slips one of his rings on and off to a rhythm from a distant memory.

Unfortunately for Somnus, the man picks up the girl of his dreams. He spins her around and kisses her. There’s tongue involved, and looking at them irritates Somnus. He can’t deny that they look good together, so he scruffs his hair and turns away to spit on the ground like a true _bro._

“See? Look at them. Why can’t you hook me up like that? Just, a chick or a dude or _someone._ But no. Instead, you do either: the worst possible shit to cuck me, or you’ve gotten so nasty with… whoever, that I can’t even consider fucking them.” Somnus pauses to catch his breath. “And I am _not_ your sloppy seconds,” he adds.

“Motherfucker, I could wingman for you with wine in one hand and a tit in the other. Watch.”

The couple strolls, arm in arm, and passes by the bros. But for an unknown reason, the young man looks over his shoulder at Ardyn, like a distracted boyfriend.

Even though he’s drunk, Ardyn has many tried and tested formulas for picking up anyone of his choosing. Still staring at the man’s ass, his lips curl and it slowly breaks into a charming, gleaming smile that puts his younger brother’s scumbag smile to shame. It’s a warm, inviting smile. The kind that, at the same time, both asks a question and demands an answer.

The man replies with whistle and Ardyn gives him an air kiss. He sits up straighter and shifts his legs slightly and pats his lap like he’s inviting the man to take a seat.

The whole exchange just makes Somnus laugh so hard, he forgets about his problems. Ardyn waits for the couple to walk out of earshot before speaking.

“What’s it like to live under my shadow?”

“Oh, it’s fuckin’ lit down here fam.”

“My pee pee just shriveled up and fell off. Don’t ever say those words again. Holla.” Ardyn taps his lips, sifting through hazy memories. Suddenly remembering, he snaps his fingers a few times. “I fucked him last week for a gyro.”

“You hoe!” Somnus playfully shoves him. “Was it good?”

“The gyro? Or —” he points at the young man, then breaks out into giggles. Somnus gives him a lazy high five.

He shifts his deliberately lustful gaze onto the couple walking away from them, then glances at Somnus. Eyes hold power, and Ardyn knows this. After making a statement with his gaze, he leans back and closes his eyes and loses himself inside his fantasy-filled mind.

Somnus watches him _very_ carefully. He knows that look, and it always precedes something grotesquely immoral. So he doesn’t hesitate or feel any remorse when he gives Ardyn an audibly sharp slap across the face.

“Excuse me?!”

“No.”

“I didn’t even say anything,” Ardyn yawns and rubs his reddened skin. Getting slapped isn’t anything new for him. In fact, he’s quite used to it.

“So, you were going to say something. I knew it.” Somnus also rubs his face, frantically trying to get certain images out of his head. Disgusted, he groans, “I truly wish I didn’t know what you’re thinking.”

“Shoot.”

“I can’t say it out loud,” Somnus laughs weakly.

“Pussy. I wasn’t gonna say anything because I’m not drunk enough to think about acting on it,” Ardyn says as innocently as he possibly can, then takes a very long drink. He sighs and he almost sounds…disappointed? “I was gonna say, if you’re game, we can double team, maybe on our balcony or something. I get him, you get her, or both—”

Somnus slaps him before he can finish verbalizing his repulsive imagination. It’s so loud, the slap seems to cut and slice through the air. He really regrets not slapping him sooner. Ardyn’s _probably_ joking. Probably. Hopefully. But it doesn’t change anything.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I ain’t gonna wingman for you and ya girl unless I get something out of it!”

“Shut. Up. I swear, I need to baptise myself after being in the vicinity of your unholy thoughts or fantasies or whatever the fuck is wrong with you.”

“Living in sin is the new thing,” Ardyn tilts his bottle of wine to a toast and drinks. Somnus threatens to elbow his crotch and Ardyn instinctively squeals and winces for his dear life.

“Are you only thinking about that hellish nightmare because you can’t satisfy them on your own? You need me to be there with you? What’s up with that?”

Ardyn erupts into a fit of giggles and instantly slams his bottle of wine down so hard, it shakes the table. The giggles quickly break into laughs and they sound more like a bird’s cawing than any sound a human could make. Being the confident bisexual that he is, Ardyn can’t sit correctly and the laughs exacerbate this. He lifts his feet up onto the table and taps them uncontrollably. But, he’s rocking on his chair, so it doesn’t take him long to fall backwards onto the ground. Happy laughing tears stream down his face and he pounds the ground for some reason.

His fit catches the attention of people around them. Some laugh with him, some laugh at him, but Ardyn doesn’t care. The funniest thing in the world to him, right now, at this moment, is that his sexual prowess was questioned by Somnus. _Somnus_.

“That’s—that’s the best joke you’ve made in a hot minute.” Ardyn’s barely able to speak and he still sounds like a wounded bird. To stabilise his body and regain dopey, drunken control over it, he leans back against the table. His ears tingle from rolling on the ground and laughing, so he scratches them. But Ardyn’s hands feel empty if he’s not holding any kind of wine, and he peeks over the table and snatches his bottle as if he’s trying to hide from Somnus’ gaze.

Little does he know, messing with his ears gives Somnus the perfect ammunition for revenge.  But right now, during Ardyn’s little fit, Somnus is ruminating on other things, like pointlessly attempting to rationalise Ardyn’s fucked up head. Who could look at their brother and two other people, and immediately think of having a foursome? Ardyn.

“How are you able to think like that?” he asks under his breath. Unluckily for him, Ardyn overhears.

“This dick don’t discriminate bruh,” Ardyn says with a face _full_ of pride.

Somnus raises his hand. He’s about to slap Ardyn but—

“Motherfucker are you hard?”

“What? No—“

“You are! That’s so disgusting.” Ardyn cuts him off, turns away, glances back, then shuts his eyes and turns away again. “Yeah, I can’t look at you.”

“I’m not. You just tryna play.”

“That’s what you‘re into, isn’t it? Seeing me in pain? You sick fuck. I knew it. _I knew it_. And you think I’m sinful, you sadist!” Ardyn completely ignores him, then hesitates to look back at Somnus even with one eye half-closed. “I really can’t look at you. If you uh, squeeze your hands or flex or something, it gets rid of it.”

“Does that actually work?”

“Yeah, it does. You didn’t know that? What kind of big brother am I?”

Somnus opens his mouth to respond but Ardyn gives him a look. “Don’t answer that,” he snaps with an unnecessary amount of sass and condescension.

“Alright. This is weird, but I show you my dick to prove that I’m not hard, and,” he points at Ardyn, “I get to pierce your ears.” Smirking the entire time, he pinches Ardyn’s earlobes until they turn bright red.

“Deadass? In public? That’s some BDE if I’ve ever seen any. That’s some freaky shit I’d do. Well, that I _have_ done.”

“Oh but no no no no no no. You misunderstand me, dear brother. _I_ get to pierce your ears.” Somnus has a mercilessly eager smile on his face.

But, Ardyn just nods and grins. He’s _thrilled_ he’ll look even prettier, so it goes without saying that he dismisses the not-so-vaguely concealed threat.

“Yo, throw that dick down, on the gang!”

Without hesitation or fanfare, Somnus flashes him.

“Woah! That’s a dick!” Ardyn announces to the entire fucking agora. Then, he snaps his wrist like the performative homosexual he is. “Okay listen up, bitch! I want _the best_ earrings. Something that flatters my face shape and something that compliments my skin tone and… oh! Make sure you find something that matches my eyes. Sapphires or something…just something that really brightens ‘em up, y’know? I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that babe.”

“Hahaha babe. Go. Shoo.”

As Somnus scurries off, he hears Ardyn shout.

“Ey, break a leg! Literally!”

Somnus takes his sweet time browsing different stalls and shops but nothing really catches his eye. “Ardyn wants the best. I’ve gotta get him the worst. But I don’t even know what good or bad looks like. This is not my world,” Somnus thinks.

Poor Somnus. The extent of his knowledge with jewelry is wearing the same simple, gold necklace every day, then crumpling it up and throwing it onto his nightstand before he goes to sleep. When he wakes up, it’s always inexplicably tangled, so he usually just yanks it a few times to straighten it out.

He doesn’t care much for his appearance since he spends most of his time out in the woods, hunting. If it wasn’t for Ardyn’s constant bitching, he’d be perfectly happy wearing the same plain white chiton for three days in a row. And of course, all of his clothes get stepped on because they live on the piles of mountains that comprise their bedroom floor.

But, Somnus is hopelessly unfashionable. And trashed. Right now, the only thing he cares about is finding the most flaming, flamboyant earrings he can find. So, he asks a vendor if they have anything more boujee or _swaggy_ than what’s on display. He’s asked about skin tones, undertones, and overtones, and whatever’s left of his brain explodes.

Even when he’s sober, there’s absolutely no way he could understand what any of those words mean. Aren’t they all the same? They sound familiar, so Ardyn’s probably mentioned them to him, but he filters everything so who knows? He just smiles and nods when it’s socially appropriate.

After a few minutes of a one-sided conversation, the vendor gives him an awkward look. Somnus realises that he zoned out for an uncertain amount of time. He catches himself falling asleep and he pats and rubs his cheeks to focus on his monumental task.

The vendor holds in their hands a jewelry set with a necklace and earrings, and Somnus _knows_ it’s the one.

The earrings have deep, blood red rubies at the center of a golden ring with three gleaming tassels hanging below it. On the middle tassel, several pieces of gold surround an equally luxurious ruby. The other two dangle on each side and glimmer in the light like fire.

The necklace is simply designed in comparison but has intricate touches, bold, yet graceful. An emblazoned ruby is set in the center of the golden chain and is showcased by two smaller rubies on either side.

Of course, Somnus doesn’t notice any of these details. He just sees “shiny."

“It’s perfect,” Somnus thinks. “Ardyn said he wanted sapphires, right? Well, guess what you fuckin slut? You’re getting rubies.”

Somnus quickly pays and scurries away. No doubt Ardyn would disapprove of him _paying_ for something, but whatever.

The moment he sees them, Ardyn bounces on his toes, fanning himself ecstatically, and his eyes light up like the sun.

“You got me rubies? _ohemgee_ . Rubies match _all_ my colors. My clothes, I mean. And with how red these are?” He bats his eyes, “Honey, they make my eyes _fierce_ and I will look like a Queen in that necklace. And the gold is so _gorg_ . Everything perfectly compliments my overtone and the set definitely highlights my undertone. These are _so_ pretty and they’ll look _so_ fab with my hair. Thank you _so, so_ much. You are _the_ best. The best brother ever〜”

“… did I just get outplayed?” Somnus wonders. His thoughts are slow and sluggish, but he eventually stumbles upon the realisation that Ardyn played his limited fashion knowledge like a lyre.

Ardyn bursts out laughing and has to sit down, and he almost falls over onto the ground. Again.

“What’s so funny?”

“I can’t believe that you offered to pierce my ears _and_ get me perfect earrings. They’re exactly what I wanted. You made my night so much better and you didn’t even realise it. And, the best part,” Ardyn twirls his hand around to find the word but he forgets and continues to talk, “I knew you weren’t hard! I was just playin—”

Somnus pounces on Ardyn, tackling him to the ground. Ardyn reads his mind way too much and it pisses him off, so he shoves Ardyn’s head into the dirt and holds him down to keep him from squirming around. “Eat dirt. Literally.” Somnus laughs to himself.

“Alright motherfucker. This will be unpleasant,” Somnus smiles. He wipes the earrings off on his chiton, then audibly licks on them and slowly presses one against Ardyn’s earlobe.

Ardyn’s very much concerned for his health at this point but his vanity is more important to him. He can’t wait to see how pretty he’ll look, and that overshadows any potential pain.

“Just get it over with. Make it quick!”

“Nah.”

Determined to make this process as excruciating as possible, Somnus takes his sweet time piercing Ardyn’s ear.

“Make it stop make it stop!” Ardyn pleads.

“Oh, but I haven’t done the other ear yet.”

“Eep! They better be even!” Ardyn yips.

“Oh don’t worry _babe_ , these’ll be as straight as you are.”

The wine in Ardyn’s body is enough to dull some of the pain, but Somnus really wants to make him suffer. He pierces the other ear so slowly with Ardyn squealing the entire time.

“Why do you do this to me?” Ardyn whimpers, crying.

“ _All done〜_ ” Somnus sings. When he’s finished, he takes the necklace and wraps it around Ardyn’s head, weaving it in between his braid. He effectively turns it into a circlet just to remind Ardyn that he’s an actual princess.

Somnus is unnaturally happy at seeing his brother in pain. He remembers Ardyn’s advice from earlier and clenches his fists for a minute or two before standing up.

Fortunately, Ardyn doesn’t notice, otherwise, he’d say something unethical. The trauma of the crude, sloppy ear piercing procedure distracts him too much. He sits up slowly, crying, and brushes some dirt off his face. He wipes it on his little brother's chiton, but Somnus doesn’t mind because Ardyn is _s_ _o_ miserable.

The earrings are massive and heavy, and their weight pulls down on Ardyn’s earlobes. Even though his ears are throbbing, he pinches them lightly to make sure they don’t tear his ear apart. There’s probably blood on his fingers and he’s terrified to let go.

Somnus feels a little bad.

“Can I see?”

Ardyn refuses to give Somnus the pleasure of hearing his voice, so he keeps his eyes closed and shakes his head, _“no.”_

Somnus gets Ardyn’s cane and chessboard and offers them to Ardyn as if they’re a kind of peace treaty. But again, he violently shakes his head, _“no.”_

“Okay, fine. Whatever. Ignore me. I’m not here,” Somnus huffs and crosses his arms and pouts as if he feels any remorse. He slowly smiles at Ardyn and asks, “Do you want to see?”

Ardyn perks up.

With an arm over his shoulder, Somnus helps him walk out of the agora. Shitfaced, they stumble together but conveniently, Ardyn has a cane. They both lazily grab and snatch and fight over it, and they end up falling on their face a few times.


	5. trapped

With an arm over his shoulder, Somnus helps him walk out of the agora. Shitfaced, they stumble together, but conveniently, Ardyn has a cane. They both lazily grab and fight over it and end up falling a few times.

Somehow, they have the ability to walk a few blocks to a shallow pool in a courtyard not far from their villa. Blossoming pink Judas trees surround the square, and their flower petals are scattered all over the ground and in the water. There are a few long marble benches, and usually, they would be crowded at this hour of the night. But nobody’s there except for a lit brazier in the centre of the pool which illuminates the area.

Mirrors are traps for Ardyn.

Anytime they go out together, Somnus has to meticulously plan their route to avoid anything Ardyn can use to see his reflection. It’s bad enough that he spends _hours_ getting ready to go anywhere, mostly because he dotes on his beauty. Fashion and passion are his greatest vanity.

Before Ardyn considers to see his reflection, he washes his hands, then his face. It smudges some of his eyeliner and eyeshadow, but he doesn’t care. Between the sadness and the spit and the tears and the dirt, he’s a hot mess. He’s happy to finally wash his face off after an evening of abuse from his younger brother.

Once Ardyn sees his reflection after cleaning his face, his jaw _drops_ and all his pain immediately vanishes.

“Holy FUCK. I’m beautiful.”

He angles his head toward the low fire to get a better view of his earrings. They shine and flicker in the water like the stars in the sky. After smiling at and adoring his new jewellery. Everything compliments his complexion so well. He turns to Somnus for an expert opinion on orgies-for-one. He’s sure Somnus has a lot of experience with those.

“Do you think people masturbate to me?”

“Holy shit Narcissus, eat a dick.”

“Bitch with how flossin I am? Narcissus would get _off_ to eating me.”

Somnus impatiently waits for Ardyn to finish... whatever he’s doing. Like an enchanted princess, he’s twirling his braid and giggling and smiling at his other self in the water. Somnus knows that Ardyn would stay there forever if he could, even if he’d starve to death. His superficial brother looks so ridiculous being seduced by an image that isn’t real, and Somnus can’t resist the temptation. Without any regrets or hesitation, Somnus grabs onto Ardyn’s hair and dunks his head underwater in the pool.

He bolts home before Ardyn has the chance to retaliate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been working on some great stuff coming up later on :') pls stay tuned


End file.
